At some point in a life deeply lived, one cannot go back. The tracks are laid and now set in concrete that cannot be broken or laid once again. To rethink it all would be a betrayal, and a betrayal of this sort is unthinkable. One simply is what one is—and more so than before, since the weight of the past increases daily on the present.

Innovation is not excluded or anathema, but it can only occur within the framework of the given. Nothing else can be taken, but the given. Repentance is required, but has its limits, given the weight of one’s past. Still, Christ is the supernatural Lord.

One’s unique life must press itself on itself and on others—or the life is not gaining gravity and force. One wants to be “a force for good in the world” (Coltrane), and one cannot relive the past and make a new self.

This is not fatalism; it is providence, the sculpting of the self and presented to one’s world—before the face of God.

2 thoughts on “Testimony

  1. It sounds to me like you are still hurting for the loss of your wife, understandably so. I suppose remembering the good in our past propels us to go on and our Lord’s love strengthens us to do so.

    You are in my prayers. I ask our Lord and Savior Yeshua to comfort you as only he knows how. Hod bless you and keep you.

  2. I am glad that you added the words “this is not fatalism”, but rather providence. I have wanted to escape my past, but cannot. It colors all that I am, and cannot help but be so. I am reminded of the potter’s house. The pot is marred, but it not to be thrown away, but to be remade. Same clay. If you talk to artists who work with clay, they will tell you that the clay has a mind of its own. Some clays are more suitable for certain types of vessels, and the wise potter can feel that when they work with it. In Jeremiah, the Potter isn’t finished with the clay when it is marred in his hands, but rather works with it and responds to what it is. It is a marvelous mystery to me that God can take the broken, awkward things, and the failures in my life and refashion them into something useful. Maybe at some point i will see the beautiful result from earth’s perspective. And then again, maybe I will not see it while I yet breathe earth’s air. It doesn’t matter. I can trust the wisdom of the Potter. Thank you Dr. Doug for connecting a few dots for me.

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